


the way we long to be (as though I were just as wonderful)

by EffervescentYellow



Series: across the rolling dales of heather [2]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Richard gets a dog, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EffervescentYellow/pseuds/EffervescentYellow
Summary: He looked to the side every few minutes to make sure that Richard was still standing around, but Thomas couldn’t very well fault him for that, having developed a deep sense himself to keep a part of his mind always on Richard; it pleased him to know another living creature was out in the world doing the same.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Series: across the rolling dales of heather [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2154012
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	the way we long to be (as though I were just as wonderful)

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from two different Mary Oliver poems.
> 
> Thanks to [@denisiya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/denisiya/profile) for the general suggestion!

Over the months since Richard had moved back to York, Thomas had grown to expect an occasional Ellis family member or odd friend to be around Richard’s house when he came to visit, but he had not expected to be greeted by a dog.

And yet as soon as Richard opened the door, Thomas found himself staring down at a rusty-colored hound that was dodging around behind Richard’s legs, letting out a couple of half-hearted whines and barks as he did so.

Richard leaned down to grab hold of the dog’s collar as he motioned Thomas in, grinning like an absolute fool as he did so, and then turned to speak to the dog in the voice Thomas had only ever heard him use with his youngest nieces and nephews, “Now then, don’t go scaring off Mr. Barrow just after you’ve met him. I happen to rather like him if you don’t mind.”

The dog just let out another whine and trotted away nervously back down the hall towards the sitting room as Richard let go of him. Richard then reached out to take Thomas’ gloves and hat and coat, as he’d found himself too shocked by the appearance of the animal to have managed it himself just yet. He pressed a quick but firm kiss to Thomas lips after doing so and then gestured to where the dog had just been, eyes glowing – delighted, “Sorry he’s a bit skittish, but isn’t he handsome?”

“What on Earth.” Thomas still hadn’t moved more than a foot inside the front door.

Richard rocked up on the balls of his feet, with nervousness or excitement Thomas couldn’t quite tell, “I know it’s a bit unexpected, but I do hope you’ll like him. I imagine you will.”

“You’ve got a _dog_ , Dick?”

“It would seem so, wouldn’t it?” Richard bit his lip, smiling, “Won’t you come meet him properly?”

Thomas nodded and followed Richard into the sitting room where the dog had taken up pacing around in front of the fireplace, next to where Richard had placed an old tartan cushion. Richard knelt down in the middle of the room and Thomas followed suit, neither of them saying a word as they gave the dog a moment to take Thomas in. It gave Thomas the chance to get a good look at him too; he was a slightly mangy looking thing – skinnier than he probably should have been with old looking eyes and spots of grey around his muzzle – but the rest of his fur looked neatly brushed and shone a deep red when it caught the light through the window. After a few moments of eyeing Thomas with caution, he moved forward slowly, and Thomas held out his hand for him to sniff.

“I’ve named him Badge,” Richard said softly, and when Thomas looked up to acknowledge that he’d heard, he found Richard gazing at him rather than the dog – his eyes and smile warm and bright. “I’ll leave you two to get acquainted, shall I? I meant to make a pot of tea before you arrived, but time escaped me.” Richard reached out to give Badge’s floppy ears a quick scratch before pressing a kiss to Thomas’ cheek and getting up from the floor to head into the kitchen.

Badge stayed around for a few more minutes, letting Thomas scratch his ears just as Richard had done before suddenly seeming to realize that he’d lost sight of Richard and trotted off to the kitchen to find him, leaving Thomas alone on the rug trying to figure out what was happening.

o0o

Thomas had moved onto the sofa by the time Richard returned with tea and the hound in tow. Badge looked longingly at the tea biscuits for some minutes before seeming to resign himself to the fact that they weren’t to be his and instead laid down by Richard’s feet – curling up so that his front paw just rested against the side of Richard’s shoe.

After a few moments of catching up about everything except the dog, Thomas couldn’t leave his curiosity any longer.

“So the dog-“ Thomas started, but Richard interrupted.

“Badge.”

“Right. You didn’t mention him in your letters, nor your calls for that matter.” One would think the matter might be worth noting over the course of four weeks.

“Wanted to surprise you.”

“By getting us a dog.” But Richard was already smirking at him because he knew Thomas wasn’t even an ounce as cross as he was pretending to be.

“Well it wasn’t my _plan_ to get a dog, just sort of happened like. Anyhow, he’s to be _my_ dog until you decide to move in, ‘less you plan to come by each morning to walk and feed him, in which case you ought to just move in anyhow,” Richard countered, but his grin was so wide and playful Thomas couldn’t even begin to take the point the wrong way as he often might have tended to do.

“How does a dog _just sort of happen_?”

“Found him in the back garden – must’ve snuck through the hole in the fence. I’d been meaning to fix it for ages but well…” he shrugged with a bashful smile, “didn’t manage it obviously.”

“Obviously.” Thomas bit back a smile.

“Something kept sneaking in and digging holes ‘round the flowerbed – thought it might’ve been a badger until I caught him out.”

“Ah… hence the name,” Thomas nodded down to where Badge was now snoring against the floorboards.

“Wasn’t keen on something common like Jack, Dick, or Major.”

Thomas snorted, “I’d hope you wouldn’t name it Dick.”

“Had two neighbors growing up each with a dog called Dick – loved every dog on the street ‘cept them for that very reason,” Richard frowned, petulant.

“…and here I thought I was difficult,” Thomas mumbled.

“I had my streaks.”

“Anyhow wasn’t your dog called Lady as a child?”

“So what if she was?”

“Seems awfully common to me,” Thomas teased, nudging against his side.

“Well I was seven – can’t hardly hold me accountable. Mum only encouraged me. Told me it was a proper name for a proper dog or something like that.”

“Badge isn’t a proper dog then?”

Richard laughed, “Mrs. Jackson from up the street said she’s seen him wondering around between the neighbors’ houses for going on weeks now. Don’t know that most people would consider that proper, but he was clearly somebody’s dog once. After he decided I wasn’t something to be afraid of, he’s been much more well-behaved than I’d have bargained for.”

“You’ve made friends with the neighbors now, too?” Thomas asked, suddenly wary, because they’d gone back and forth over the issue more than once, with Thomas arguing it was best to lay low and Richard arguing it was better to make good impressions without the two of them ever coming to an agreement yet.

“Only a few yet. She mentioned something about a dog being a bachelor’s best companion, so I doubt there’s any harm done there.”

Thomas made himself swallow down his nervousness and take a sip of tea. “What type to do you reckon he is?” he asked, changing the subject back to the dog.

“Dunno, was curious what you thought.”

“Some kind of hound obviously with those ears, but I’ve not a clue otherwise. Might be good for a hunt.”

“He’s in for poor luck then because I won’t be taking him on one.”

“You’re lucky it was an old one digging up your garden and not some litter of puppies.”

“A puppy would be sweet thought, wouldn’t it?” Richard smiled at him. It felt like it was going to be endless smiles all afternoon. It made Thomas’ stomach flutter.

“ _I’d_ think so, but as soon as they ate your shoes, you’d be calling me in a frenzy.”

o0o

They made a fire together in the evening – the weather cold enough now to make it reasonable – and they sat together once more on the sofa with Richard pulling his feet up onto the cushions and leaning heavily against Thomas as they poured out glasses of wine.

“I’m glad you got a dog – by accident or not,” Thomas said as he looked on to where Badge was laid out on his tartan pillow, droopy eyes watching them.

“Are you truly?” Richard asked carefully, hopeful, and Thomas nodded.

Thomas paused, trying to figure out how to say what he meant kindly, “I think you were lonely. I think Badge happened into your garden at a good time.”

It was Richard’s turn to nod contemplatively, “I think you might be right.”

“Will you be offended if I say that I know I am? In this case at least. I know loneliness when I see it.”

“I won’t pretend I’ve been good at living alone.”

Thomas’ stomach had started to feel queasy, “That’s because you’re not the type of person who’s ever been meant to live alone.”

“Is anyone?” he countered, and before Thomas could make an attempt to answer he provided his own, “I don’t think they are.”

And here they had arrived back at the catch: that the pair of them both were lonely in their own way and Thomas was the one keeping them apart (or really the economy was keeping them apart as far as he was concerned because as much as he was desperate to take up Richard’s offer to move in and as much as Richard knew of the fact, Thomas didn’t have royal credentials to provide him a place outside of service in a crumbling economy. He thought he’d be a fool to give up his position as things stood currently, and as much as Richard was a dreamer, he too seemed to understand. Thomas wasn’t made to be lonely, but he wasn’t made either to sit idly by without a job).

Despite knowing Richard would hate hearing him apologize, Thomas did so anyway, “I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel unwanted.”

Richard sighed heavily and set his wine glass down on the floor so that he could turn to face him, “Don’t you dare start up with this because I won’t hear it. We both know where we stand, and I’d be a thousand times lonelier if you weren’t around at all.”

Thomas nodded into his wine glass, not looking up for fear that the small twinge of panic in his chest might grow into something more. He could feel Richard watching him for a few minutes longer, so eventually he turned to look back over to Badge, who’s eyes had finally fallen shut with sleep, and Richard followed his gaze.

“I read him your letters, you know.”

This got Thomas’ attention, “You do not,” he countered, incredulous.

“I do,” Richard laughed, lightening the mood, “I do. I know it seems silly and he doesn’t understand, or maybe he does, who knows-“

“I hope he doesn’t, based on the soppy things I write.”

“Well I hope he does then,” Richard smiled, trying and succeeding at being contrary, “what does a dog care that we’re in love? Anyhow, it’s nice to have someone to tell things to, ‘specially when they can’t judge.”

“You’re a ridiculous man, Dick Ellis, and no mistake.”

o0o

Late that night as they together in bed, Richard draped haphazardly across Thomas’ chest with his hair tickling the side of Thomas’ cheek, Thomas let his thoughts wander to where he hadn’t wanted them to go in the afternoon.

“I wanted a dog terribly when I was a boy,” Thomas said into the quiet darkness.

“You’ve said,” Richard replied softly, arm squeezing him just so near his waist.

“Asked for one three Christmases in a row as far as I remember… I thought it would be nice to have a friend like that,” which made Richard hum sympathetically against his chest, “Surprised actually that my dad never got one – seemed like something he’d ‘ve enjoyed as well – could’ve taken it out shooting and such.” He also remembers crying each Christmas night when a puppy wasn’t waiting for him, which his father hadn’t enjoyed. That thought stung.

Richard stayed silent for a while before shifting so that he was lying beside Thomas rather than on top of him, “I wish we could have known each other when we were young.”

“I’d probably have been cruel to you.” Thomas countered, but he couldn’t decide for himself whether that was really true or whether he was trying to make himself feel better.

“You wouldn’t have been cruel to Lady surely, and we’d have gotten along from there.”

“No, I – I wouldn’t have. Couldn’t have been to a dog.”

“You’ve always had a soft heart that. I can just imagine the three of us, running around, wreaking havoc on some poor unsuspecting neighbors.” There was laughter in his eyes that made Thomas’ heart turn over despite himself, “Suppose we can still do that now…”

And yet he still couldn’t manage to bite back his deprecation “I was terrible to the other children I knew.”

“And from what you’ve said they were terrible to you.”

“Doesn’t necessarily justify it.”

“I didn’t say that it did per se,” Richard countered softly, tilting his chin up against the pillow to catch his eye again. When he seemed to sense that Thomas wasn’t going to keep on with the argument, he snuggled close until his arms were trapped between them, “Whatever I tease, I hope Badge and you do get along.”

“I may have already grown soft for him…”

“Then no doubt he’ll grow soft for you in no time. “

o0o

In the morning, Thomas awoke to the feeling of Richard shifting around in the bed next to him because _the man couldn’t ever manage to sit still_.

“Can’t you let a bloke rest?” Thomas mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut as if that would make him fall back asleep.

“Sorry,” Richard mumbled sheepishly, lying back down beside him, but it didn’t help because Thomas could practically feel the energy coming off of him in his efforts to remain still.

“You’re a hopeless man, Mr. Ellis,” Thomas grumbled as he sat up to lean over Richard, catching his eye to give him a groggy glare.

“Am I?” he bit his lip – coy.

“Utterly.”

Richard’s eyes crinkled in a grin as Thomas leaned down to capture his lips. As Thomas caught his bottom lip between his own, Richard hummed deeply, making Thomas shiver. Richard’s lips quirked into a smile against his own and he pushed himself up to have better leverage, cradling the back of Thomas’ head with one hand as he used his other to skate his knuckles across his hip and up the side of his ribcage.

Just as Richard moved his hand from his hip to trail suggestively down his thigh, they both heard the soft click of dog feet making their way upstairs and Richard pulled away to laugh breathlessly, almost hysterically, into his shoulder.

“I may have forgot to account for that, sorry…” he sighed, “I’ve usually taken him out for a walk by now.”

Thomas couldn’t help but laugh either, “Told you – hopeless indeed,” but he kissed his ear and drew his arms around him tighter because even with Badge scratching a paw outside their door, he wasn’t prepared to let go of the warm man against him _just yet_.

“What time’s your train?”

“Quarter to eleven.”

“Sooner than I’d like…”

“Always is.”

“Would you care to take him for a walk? I’ll have to let him out one way or another.” And Thomas would have liked to say _no_ – that he’d rather stay in bed with this man – but that would have been a lie because _damn him_ if he didn’t feel a little giddy at the prospect of taking a dog out with Richard.

o0o

It was a brisk morning, and the sky was grey, but rain didn’t seem to be in the air. They only passed two other people on their way to the park, and the quiet and chill of the breeze felt rejuvenating. Thomas could see what Richard had meant, because Badge was rather well-behaved the whole time, only pulling them askew when passing by a lamppost but otherwise trudging along patiently just in front of them with his tail swinging happily in the air.

At the park, they made their way out to the field where, just a month before when the weather had still been warm, families and couples had sat out in the afternoon sun on picnic blankets, and Thomas had wanted to cry until Richard had made them walk all the way back home, get a banket, and come back to sit amongst them saying _they can’t arrest two blokes for having a picnic_ with a look of such determination and love that Thomas couldn’t manage to argue.

Today, however, the field was completely empty and the trees lining it were just beginning to peak through with orange and red, and as Richard knelt down to take off Badge’s leash, Thomas’ breath caught in his throat at how beautiful they looked in fall, with Richard’s golden hair peeking out from beneath his dark hat and Badge’s tawny coat providing contrast to the deep green of the grass and the cloud-covered sky.

Thomas wrapped his arms around himself, as though it would keep the feeling close, and called out, “You’re sure he won’t run away?”

“He hasn’t yet,” Richard called back and let go of the hound, who sauntered off towards the trees.

“You weren’t frightened the first time you did that?” Thomas questioned further as Richard headed back to stand by his side.

Richard shrugged, “Just had to hope that I’d given him enough love that he felt like coming back, I suppose,” and by the look Richard was giving him Thomas suddenly couldn’t tell if they were still talking about the dog, and he had to look away.

But still after sucking in a breath he found himself saying, “You give so much love I can’t see how anything could ever leave you.” When he looked back over to Richard, he found the man rocking slightly on his heels, twirling the leash between his fingers.

“People have said that I give too much.”

“Whoever said that was an idiot,” Thomas said, and though he just meant to be firm, it came out cross, but Richard met his eyes again and his lips were just turned up into a smile.

Almost as if on cue, Badge turned around from the edge of the trees and headed back their way. When he was a couple of yards away, Thomas noticed a stick lying on the ground near him. “Does he chase sticks?” he asked.

“Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. Haven’t yet been able to figure him out on that one, but you can give it a go if you like.”

Thomas reached for the stick and Badge perked up immediately. As soon as he threw it, off he went out into the grass, tail twirling through the air as he chased it down. Thomas could feel himself grinning, a feeling of excitement settling in his chest as Badge came back to him. Each time he threw the stick, Badge seemed to come back to him quicker and with more assurance. He still looked to the side every few minutes to make sure that Richard was still standing around, but Thomas couldn’t very well fault him for that, having developed a deep sense himself to keep a part of his mind always on Richard; it pleased him to know another living creature was out in the world doing the same.

The whole time Richard watched them both with a smile so smug and pleased and _joyful_ Thomas felt like he might faint if he looked too long.

o0o

After returning from the park, Thomas made the pair of them a quick breakfast of toast while Richard, despite Thomas’ protestations, folded Thomas’ clothes neatly back into his travelling case, making an attempt not to frown all the while. Once the packing was deemed to standard, Richard leaned back against the sink across from him and they ate breakfast in a comfortable, if not a bit saddened, silence.

After putting their plates into the sink, Richard raised an eyebrow at him to catch his attention, “I’ve some leftover crusts and such in the cupboard there, would you mind getting them for Badge?” he asked, nodding towards the cabinet just next to Thomas’ head.

“He’s _your_ dog,” Thomas teased, “Oughtn’t you to be feeding him yourself?” but nevertheless, he took the plate of scraps and set it down on the floor for Badge, who sat up from where he had been lying next to the oven, his tail wagging in anticipation. As soon as Thomas backed away, Badge trotted over and ate excitedly, his long ears sweeping against the floor as he did so.

Distracted by watching the hound, Thomas didn’t notice Richard coming up behind him until he had his arms fully around his waist, hands clasped up near his heart, “He could be _ours_ , if you wanted”

“it’s not that I don’t-“ Thomas started, edging on exacerbation and starting to pull away, but Richard cut him off with a kiss to his neck.

“Just because I can’t singlehandedly make flowers grow doesn’t mean I won’t keep planting seeds,” he whispered near his ear, “I’ve no doubt you’ll come when you’re ready.” And it was true that Thomas had never once sensed doubt in him whenever they talked about it, which amazed him endlessly. He wouldn’t even pretend that he could be nearly so steadfast and trusting if their places were reversed.

Thomas nodded against him and after a moment turned around to face him in his arms, adding in reply to what Richard hadn’t said outright, “I will miss you, too,” he said sincerely, and then added, “I do miss you.”

Richard kissed him sweetly and then pulled back, valiantly forming his lips into a smile, “You must make an effort to miss Badge now as well or he might begin to feel left out.”

“I’ll make sure to think of you both,” Thomas replied, pressing closer to Richard, “Don’t see how I could manage not to.”

o0o

Next time Richard received a letter from Thomas there was a small note tucked in between the other pages, written in especially large handwriting, as if that would help the reader somehow:

_Dear Badge,_

_Dick told me that I was to miss you, and I’ll say that I’ve done a good job of it. I enjoyed scratching your ears and throwing your stick, and I’ll be glad to be in York again someday soon so that we can become even better acquainted. I’m glad as well that you’re around when I can’t be to keep our dear Richard good company. Do please remind him now and then that he ought to tidy up the kitchen and sweep up around the fireplace (I’m sure you’d appreciate the latter especially as your bed is there, and I know I wouldn’t want soot near my pillow). Remind him as well that I’m only a phone call away if he starts to look lonely, would you?_

_Glad I’ve found a new companion in you, and I hope you’ve found one in me._

_Your friend,_

_Thomas Barrow_

**Author's Note:**

> According to my quick internet research, Dick used to be a very common dog name, which made me laugh.
> 
> I'm also now on tumblr [@effervescentyellow](https://effervescentyellow.tumblr.com/).


End file.
